If I could drive 50,000 miles

My 2003 Vue flipped 50,000 miles recently.

I think this is a clear indication of the fact that I need more places to go.

Beating genetics at it's own game

My grandmother on mom's side was a tough person to get along with. She was the 2nd oldest of 8 children, her older brother left after her dad did, and she was left to help raise the younger 6. She gave up on college, and this entire life she thought she would have. I get it, it's hard to get past something like that. But she let it cloud every last day of her life, and she was bitter, over-critical, pessimistic person because of it. I spent my entire life listening to my mom go on and on about how she never wanted to be like her mom, but now that she's older, that's exactly who she has become. She's turning into that same cynical, judgemental person and what I want to know is, can I truly break this cycle once and for all?

I really don't want to become "them". I don't. I want more for myself, and I want my children to think more of me than I find myself thinking of them. I really want to break the cycle.

The other day, I got into a somewhat heated discussion with a friend of mine about what people spend money on. She started complaining about how you always see the poorest people smoking, and others who can't pay their bills with cell phones and Coach bags. I got caught up in the conversation, of course it escalated to "why should I pay for their healthcare?", and then I had to end it. Because you all know that I'm as liberal as they come, right?

So last night it got me thinking, why do people (myself included) feel it's our business to criticize how money is spent? Because it's usually being critical of the poor, not the rich. And seriously, when will people understand that the rich get more handouts and things for "free" than ANYONE else. AND, they're the ones that can afford to pay for it themselves. Don't get me started..........

So I took a look at myself and realized others could REALLY judge me too. I am far from "rich". But we live in a big house, and I DO carry a Coach bag and wallet, an iPod, and a Droid. We have multiple computers, each have a laptop, new appliances, flat screen tvs, a Wii, a DS, etc, etc, yada yada yada.

But you know what? I'm also 31 years old. Thirty one YEARS is a lot of birthdays and holidays where I had the opportunity to accumulate all these "riches". It's not as if I decided to go out one day and drop 5k on all this stuff in one trip, you know? Hell, I still wear some of the same t-shirts that I had in SIXTH grade. Seriously, I kid you not. My favorite pair of shoes is a pair of $9.99 sandals that I got my first semester in college...........in 1997. That $0.001 I spend everyday to wear those was WELL worth it, don't you think? We take care of our stuff, we splurge in some areas and not others, and we have nice stuff that lasts until it dies. And when it does die, half the time it still looks new.

Do some people treat everything as if it's disposable? Sure they do. But my point, is that it is completely unfair to judge that by just LOOKING at them.

Then I thought back to when I worked in Baltimore. I would see everyone and their mother walking around the projects with Louis Vuitton bags. It would be REALLY easy to start judging them. "OMG, how can they buy LV when they can't afford formula for their kids?" BUT, a vendor outside the hospital was there selling fake designer bags for $20 EVERY day on my way to work. Aren't they actually being SMART by buying a $20 fake LV leather bag, versus a crappy nylon one from Walmart that they'll have to replace in 2 months?

Why do we judge? Why do we assume the worst?

When Brandon lost his job for 4 months 2 summers ago, was I supposed to STOP driving my well-taken care of 2003 Vue and stop carrying said Coach bag because we were supposed to look "poor" now? Should we have NOT gone to the pool all summer because "how can someone afford a pool membership when they're selling other things to meet their mortgage?" It's as if I needed to justify that no, the pool membership was paid in full 2 months before he got laid off, and there were no refunds.

Why should we NEED to justify our lives to others? Why do we let other people make us feel bad about not only what we don't have, but what we DO have too? Why do we feel like we need to apologize?

I've had this discussion with my closest friends before, but I used to get SO annoyed with the moms in one of the playgroups I'm in. I'm not trying to to stereotype, because obviously the whole point of this post is that people shouldn't do that, but out of 20 moms, there were only TWO of us that had gone to college. I was the only one with a Master's degree. Sometimes I would get attitude, from one mom in particular, if I would talk about certain things. You know what, I don't need to APOLOGIZE for being successful. It's not like I "bought" my degrees, I EARNED them. If you had gone to college, you know how much work it is. What a HUGE accomplishment it is. So don't sit there with all this attitude when I talk about the opportunities I now have because of my degree. This same woman made the comment "geez, I wish I could make thousands sitting at home and designing packaging", directed at my friend. My friend worked her ASS off in school, has a degree in marketing and design, and worked her way up in the company so that she could design packaging and work from home when her son was born. She had worked for the company for almost 10 years, had proved herself at that time, so now she could do freelance work for the company from home.

Obviously some people have more obstacles than others, but this mom could have gone to college instead of getting married and starting a family at 19. She could still go to college now. This same mom has attitude about my business too, which I've learned to ignore. Yes, I make more money now than when I worked in a lab. But I started this from NOTHING. I started out with a crappy old sewing machine and fabric remnants from Joann's and my grandmother's old stash. I started sewing in my old BASEMENT while my 9 month old son was napping. You really want to judge me because I bought a 1k sewing machine last year? Really? I bust my butt everyday, sometimes for over EIGHT HOURS every day (which is kind of amazing considering my kids might nap for 2 of those, so you do the math and figure out how much I'm sleeping). I hate, hate, HATE the judgement this particular person has shown me without knowing the full story, so I try to remember that everytime I start to judge someone else.

The bottom line is that you DON'T know someone else's life. You don't know when and how they acquired the nice things that they have, you don't know how much effort goes into their work to determine if they truly "earned" it or not, and you certainly don't have access to their financial information. We forget that there are so many deals out there, that you can NEVER assume you know how much someone paid for something. Anyone who knows anything about couponing and bargain shopping can appreciate that clothes from Gymboree can end up CHEAPER than the crap they sell at Walmart. We aren't all RICH, we're just SMART.

Hitting the wall

Every mom that makes it to the other side of the first year can tell you about "hitting the wall". When we get there, the first thing we want to do is tell new moms about it, to warn them. But we hold back because we don't want to be "that mom" that thinks that just because she lived to tell about something, that she is now the mom whisperer. So we wait, we listen, we nod in agreement when new moms go on about how much they have it together, how it's hard but rewarding, how this is such an amazing experience, etc. Of course we agree, but we still cautiously wait for when our friends reach that wall. There's a point in every new mom's journey where they hit a wall. We reach a point where we are STILL not getting any sleep, we're STILL changing diapers and washing bottles, we're STILL trying to defend our decisions even though we doubt them ourselves, and damn it, we STILL have not gotten a chance to eat lunch. We hit the wall. We reach that point where we realize that we CAN'T have it all, something needs to give a little. We CAN'T live our lives like we have for the last 5, 10, 15 years of our adult life. Our life HAS changed, and if we don't embrace it, it's going to run us right over.

I hit the wall when my son was about 4 months old. Coincidentally, right around the time I was supposed to go back to work, but instead decided to be a SAHM. I had been a mom for 4 months, I should have had a handle on things by this point, right? My son was sleeping pretty well (good 6 hour stretches anyway), we had a nice schedule down, it was the middle of summer and there's was a whole world out there for us to enjoy. I was handed this opportunity to SAH with my son and I was UPSET? I actually MISSED perfusion mice and mixing chemicals all day long? Immediately following these thoughts, came the guilt that of course I would love this. This is what I wanted, this was going to be great. I would flip flop between emotions every second of every day and it was literally driving me crazy.

I was tired of being the only one able to calm him down. What once was an ego boost was now this incredibly overwhelming burden. I wanted to leave, but was too anxious to actually do it. I would imagine my husband getting frustrated with him and ignoring him. For some reason I thought it was OK if I couldn't calm him down, because I was him mom and could control myself. What if someone else that didn't have that connection to him got frustrated with him and hurt him? All for a trip to Target for a Starbucks? No thanks, I didn't need THAT guilt to. It was irrational and ridiculous, but I just didn't have the stamina or mental capacity at that point to know the difference. Sometimes when he would cry, I would stand with him in my arms looking out the window and wish that I could just put him on the lawn chair for a little while. Just put him out THERE, while I was in HERE, and then I could have a few moments of peace. I'm telling you, I have the highest respect for moms with colicky babies, because my son barely cried in comparison, and I still couldn't handle it. Score, another thing for me to feel bad about myself for.

I don't like to take drugs. I had two unmedicated labors because I had a botched spinal tap in college and was TERRIFIED of an epidural. So I did everything in my power to avoid anything but a natural birth. Fortunately, I got my wish. When I started having all these emotional issues, I really wanted to try and resolve them without medication. Not that it's evil, or that it isn't absolutely necessary if you do need them, I just wanted to exhaust other avenues before I got to that point. My OB/ped put me in touch with a few numbers from the hospital of woman that I could call that had experienced exactly what I was going through. Not some psychologist that didn't who wasn't even married or dating, not some old man that got his MD a bazillion years ago, but moms with young children that would understand me.

I believe that call saved my life.

I remember talking to that poor woman for over two HOURS. I just needed someone to tell me it was ok, and normal, and that everything would work itself out. If I needed medication, that was ok, but if I just needed someone to listen to me, that might make it ok too. I only talked to the woman that one time, and to this day still don't know her name (that was the whole point of this network). But she saved me. She was that objective, non-judgemental voice in my head that I needed to hear. She pulled me back down to earth, out of the thoughts in my head, and gave me the confidence I needed to move forward. I honestly felt better. I still gripped my son a little tighter as I walked down the stairs, but it wasn't accompanied by the panicked FEAR that something bad was going to happen. Every day got a little better. A month or two later I started babysitting the son of a friend at work 2 days a week and it made all the difference. I felt like a contributing member of our household again, it gave me much-needed confidence boosts when I was able to watch that little boy learn things from ME, and it gave me a schedule that resembled more of what "real" people have out in that world that I had felt so disconnected from. Being a SAHM, hell being just a MOM, can be so isolating and lonely, and finding something that gave me a little bit of my "me" back helped to break down that wall that stopped me dead in my tracks. I even started sewing again, which I never seemed to have time for before, and it ended up turning into a new career while I SAH.

In January 2009, I had my daughter, just shy of 4 years after my son. The second time around was SO different. I still had some of the same anxieties that come with having a newborn, but I knew what to expect. I knew what to try and when, and how to LET THINGS GO. I walked into my second round with low expectations. I set reasonable expectations for myself, because I knew it wouldn't last forever. I knew that I WOULD get back to a new normal that I was comfortable with and everything would be ok. I went into it knowing that I couldn't do it all, that in the end it wouldn't matter if I did, and that with patience I would get back on track (it just wouldn't happen OVERNIGHT). I was realistic. I still was anxious when I carried my daughter across our second floor catwalk with visions of me dropping her over the side, but I could calm myself down this time and just embrace that it was part of the process. I surprised myself the second time around, I really did. I let my husband and family help more, I didn't worry about things that were pointless to worry about (like OMG, she's sleeping in the swing for X # of hours), and I just enjoyed the newborn moments that I knew wouldn't last forever. I soaked up all those nights when she would fall asleep in my arms and let her stay there as long as she wanted. All the housework would eventually get done, my carriers would still get sewn, but I only had right now to enjoy those short moments of my last cuddly newborn.

Now, there were some lessons that were harder to learn than others. I still pushed myself a lot. Hell, I shipped 9, yes NINE carriers the week Sadie was born. Clearly I was back on the crack of new motherhood, BUT I recognized my mistakes quickly and slowed down a little. I kept my business going, but didn't overdo it. There were things that I simply could NOT slow down on this time around because my son was in preschool and still needed to get there and home again every day. My daughter was born on a Wed, and we picked up my son from preschool on friday on the way home from the hospital. The next monday, I was already back to taking him to school. What can you do? Life still has to move on right?

What helped the most the second time around was that my husband knew how it all goes down now. He understood that I would be frustrated when I woke up in a pool of sweat and milk, or when laundry simply became clean and dirty piles on the bedroom floor. He knew to bring home takeout when I was having a hard day, and didn't try to crack jokes when he came home to find me in the same position on the couch as when he had left. He actually "got it" this time around, and believe me, it made ALL the difference.

So the second time around, I didn't turn a corner and WHAM into that wall. I jogged along, saw it coming in the distance, and did what I needed to do to get through it. I still had all the same feelings, but I was less removed from them this time. I didn't feel like I was having this out of body experience while I watched life go on around me. I felt like I owned my emotions and could keep them in check. Somewhere between having my two children, I also had the opportunity to build an amazing network of support with other moms, which I can even explain how important it really turned out to be.

I don't think what I experienced can be defined as PPA. I guess it was, but there are obviously people that suffer through much worse than I did, so in a way I feel guilty for using the term. What I DO know is that it is absolutely impossible to expect that ANY new parent, regardless of their age wouldn't experience what I did. We spend HOURS reading books and taking "classes" on becoming a parent. We learn how to eat during pregnancy, and breath during labor. But where are the classes on how to SURVIVE being responsible for a new human life? They don't exist. No where in my pre-parenthood journey did anyone tell me about waking up a sweaty mess after giving birth, or how you would feel like your organs were falling out when you got out of bed. No one tells you about how it burns to pee, or how incredibly painful and NOT natural breastfeeding is. They don't warn you that listening to a newborn cry can actually be ANNOYING and that when your now sex-crazed husband tries to kiss you that his head will look 10 times it's normal size. Once the medical end of labor is over, they just send you on your way and that's it. It's like throwing a dog into the water and waiting until instincts kick in and they can paddle to shore. It's as if the before and during is this magical journey we're supposed to share, and the after is everyone for themselves.

It doesn't have to be that way. We can reach out and help other moms. We can embrace and OWN our decisions and recognize that putting down other parents for their choices doesn't make our own any better. We can stop pretending that having a child is all puppy dogs and rainbows and accept that it really does take a village.

It's time to do something.

Because a mom that isn't healthy herself, can't take care of everyone else too.

18 months and 3 years

This is the amount of time my body devoted itself to my children. 18 months of pregnancy, and 3 years of breastfeeding. Four and a half YEARS.

And now...............it's over.

I have my body back.

Sadie stopped breastfeeding about 3 days ago, and I have to say, I feel FABULOUS!! It was an amazing journey, and I wouldn't change it for the world, but it was SO NICE to take that cough medicine I needed last night without worrying if I should or not. I am so thankful that I was able to successfully breastfeed both of my children for so long. Neither one of them ever had a DROP of formula. And no, I'm saying that to be some crazy, nazi breastfeeding bitch trying to say that formula is EVIL. I'm saying that because I am DAMN PROUD of my accomplishments, and if you can't handle it, well, then don't. I can absolutely appreciate the sacrifice and heartache of those that want to breastfeed but can't, or that have to give it up for reasons outside of their control. But you know what? My being proud isn't being boastful or obnoxious, it's being just that, PROUD. Just like I get annoyed when I feel like I need to downplay my BS and MS degrees in certain crowds (:::coughplaygroupcough:::), but that's a story for another day.

When the universe speaks

My horoscope for today:

It is possible to generate substantial income in the next few months if you are willing to capitalize on upcoming opportunities. The problem is that getting ahead will require a good deal of your time and energy, and you are probably already grappling with not having enough free time. If you can become a more creative time manager, though, you will find space to meet your current obligations and work toward moving forward with goals and big dreams. Take some time to map out a better schedule before things start to get busy.

This is EXACTLY what I've been doing this past week, as I completely gutted and reorganized my craft room/studio. When the universe speaks, I listen. :-)

Never enough flip flops

I love my husband. We've been together for almost 11 years, married for 6 1/2, have two kids, a dog, and a fabulous home. I really am living the dream. We know what the other is thinking before we even say it, and if I see him grab his Kindle or Sports Illustrated with a certain swagger to his step, I know I need to plan to walk upstairs if I need to use the bathroom.

That being said, there are some things he still just doesn't understand:

1. There is no such thing as too many flip flops.

Really, do I need to go on? Of course I already have many, many pairs, but I still think the 3 pairs I got from Old Navy this week for $1.99 each were completely justified. Do I have orange, celery green, and bean sprout yet? Yeah, I didn't think so. When my husband stops buying packs of baseball cards for Ben AND himself when he goes to the store, then we'll talk.

2. I love purses that AREN'T made by me

My Mother's Day present arrived today. It is a GLORIOUSLY amazing Coach purse. It is even more incredible in person, because I can sit and inhale the smell of it's leather while I pet it. It is soft, almond colored leather, with a pink interior. It's large and gorgeous and I just may fall asleep holding it tight to my bosom tonight. I make bags and other accessories for a living, but this doesn't mean that I want to be paid to make my OWN Mother's Day present. He couldn't afford me anyway. ;-)