I deleted a post.....for shame!

I'm not really sure why I deleted my entry from June 1st. Perhaps it was too painful of a reminder, or maybe it was not wanting people to read something so personal, but I've decided that I want it to stay.

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June 1st, 2009
23 years

On June 1st, 1986, my father passed away. It was a Sunday. He didn't come to church with us that morning and we found him on the bathroom floor, his crutches still leaning against the towel bar. It was a lifetime ago. He was 34. I am 30. The emotional heaviness that I feel is indescribable. For awhile it got easier....I think. The milestones came, 5 years, 10 years, realizing I had spent more of my life without him than with him in it. Then I realized that while time was passing, I was getting older, and he forever remained 34. Then I had Ben, and Sadie, and realized that I was only 4 years younger than he was when he died. This is the moment that my heart skipped a beat, a knot formed in my throat, and tears wouldn't stop flowing. What if I only had four more years to live? What if I never saw my daughter dance, or my son play football. What if I miss everything? What if I had to leave this world and couldn't remember their laughter or smiles? What if they had to live without me? How could I do that to them? Time is going too fast and I feel like I'm losing control. Will we remember when we're gone? When does enough time pass that no one will remember us? There's a point to all of this, right? Does it just end? Is it darkness like going to sleep, where everything just stops and there is nothing? How can anyone be ready to leave when there is so much more to see, to feel? I'd like to believe that there is something more to all of this, but do we need more? Do we just get this one chance to enjoy life and then it's over? That's it, that's all there is? Will mankind just fade into nothing as quickly as it came, making barely a mark on the universe? I'm scared, and sad, and confused. I want to know, I want to believe, I want to trust that everything will be ok. That everything will turn out exactly how it was meant to.